My journey the first semester of college… by Jenna Pealor
Well as I sit here writing this on November 1, 2015 my life is changed. This has honestly been the hardest journey of my 18 years of life so far. It has hurt, it has damaged me, it has been painful, it has been frustrating, it has been slow, it has been stressful… I felt as if these past weeks were never going to end. I’ve been living my life in fear. Each day I was scared to death it was going to happen again and that’s all I could think about each moment of the day. I couldn’t sleep at night because I would dream that my body was shaking and it felt so real, my mind was attacking my own body and I felt as if I could do nothing… There are truly no words to explain the past two months of my life. BUT over the past few days it has been a beautiful experience.
I have learned that,
“Life is a storm… you will bask in the sunlight one moment, be shattered on the rocks the next. What makes you a man is what you do when that storm comes.”
I have found myself caught up in so many different emotions over the past six weeks. I have found myself mad at the doctors as they can not tell me what is wrong with me. I have found myself mad at God as to why this is happening to me. It has been so easy to let Satan take my joy. I do not understand why this is happening but then I remember, I do know that God is good all the time. He takes us into the fire to refine us and makes us completely reliant on Him. As hard as that is to fully rely and trust in Him through trials and tribulations, I must do it in order to make it through each day. He is the ultimate source of my strength.
I never imagined that my freshman year of college would consist of nights in the hospital, countless doctors visits, tests done, blood drawn, you name it. Going through this has been excruciating and extremely hard but I am so thankful I serve a God who is greater than any sickness, greater than our worst pain or longest night, who feels our pain and hurts with us, who truly understands and who hears my prayers. There have been days when I want to give up and I don’t think I can make it through. there have been countless nights of sorrow and pain, but there have also been nights of worship, nights of rejoicing, and nights of healing.
Sometimes you have to go through the valley to get to the peak and I fully believe with everything in me that the Lord took me through the dark valley and just when I reached my breaking point He was there to deliver me! I remember the night specifically, it was October 25th at 3:13 on a Sunday morning and I woke up just like the countless other mornings but this time it was different. I had reached my breaking point, I felt like giving up. I couldn’t keep going through this and experiencing all of it. My body was physically tired and hurting, I was drained mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I couldn’t do it; I couldn’t keep going. It was the darkest night, where I felt like this was going to be the rest of my life. I remember just putting my hands in the air and saying,
“Lord please heal me, I can’t do this any longer, I give up, you’re in control now.”
I learned that there is freedom in surrender, But the beautiful thing is, after the darkest night comes the brightest morning. I woke up that Monday morning and something felt odd. I didn’t know what it was and it wasn’t necessarily a good or a bad feeling, it was just a feeling. Little did I know that that night was going to be the turning point of my journey. I was in the room by myself and I had just finished up my homework and I just starting playing worship music and it began to soften my heart immediately, that’s when I went online and watched the podcast from passion city church. I knew it was going to hit home when the title said, “when darkness falls.” That alone spoke to me because darkness had fallen and it was like I had a dark cloud above my head that followed me everywhere and affected every part of me. in the message every word that was spoke pierced in my heart and I connected with what he was saying, it was real and he was talking about some of the same things I was experiencing as if he knew exactly what I was going through, then it hit me, God does know what I’m going through, he feels my pain. That moment forever changed my life, the night where I found hope. Hope in a God who restored me, hope in a God who gave me beauty for ashes, hope in a Lord who gave me laughter instead of tears, joy instead of mourning. I remember texting people about what I had just experienced and just smiling so hard at my phone and then I got up and looked in the mirror and I was just smiling at myself. As silly as it sounds, that smile was everything. That moment was so real and in the moment I felt peace for the first time and I finally felt like there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I began to lay in my bed with the lights off and just worship the Lord whole heartedly. Shouting his name and singing his praise. “thank you Lord, thank you Lord for delivering me.” The beautiful thing is, He didn’t stop there. The next day I experienced him a little more, worshiped him a little more and smiled a little more. It continued the next day and then Thursday came…. This day… this day I went to the doctor and didn’t expect them to tell me anything different than what I was already told by every other doctor which was basically, you’re a medical mystery. This time was different I got an answer. I remember him coming in the room and saying, “I think we have figured it out” when he said that my heart dropped. I couldn’t believe it; it didn’t seem real. I was so thankful that after 6 long weeks I finally got some answers. I suddenly realized it was God, He delivered me, he pulled me out of the fiery pit and made my ashes beautiful. Sometimes it’s through our darkness nights that we find the biggest blessing and for me that was the case. I had to be placed in the fire and be brought out. This journey isn’t over yet but I now have a God who is beside me and who will fight for me. all I have to do is be still. See that’s where I was missing it for so long, I was angry at God and was feeling bad for myself. It took going through the shadow to reach the light. I am made new but I am scared and there’s a part of me that still hurts and still bruised, but there’s a bigger part that is made new and that is so beautiful. I have a passion for the Lord like I have never had before.
So no I am not glad this is all happening to me, but I am thankful to have gone through the fire and to have been burned so the Lord could bring me back to life and reveal himself to me like never before. I have found a peace that plows through the storm, I have found a joy that jumps over sadness and I am forever grateful. Thank you Lord for giving me an opportunity to experience pain and to experience joy like never before. The Lord will fight for you, all you have to do is be still.
Written By: Jenna Pealor, Lipscomb Softball
(This blog post was adapted from her original post on her blog…Visit her blog: http://jennaalexispealor.blogspot.com to read more)